‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Every Farmer Needs a Hoe*

Bachelor episode 9 recap

*Credit for this episode’s title is given to my 13-year-old, who cracks herself up by saying it every episode. Have to hand it to her; it’s a good one, and I figured the Fantasy Suite date one was the appropriate place for it to land. 

Before I begin, let me assure all of you concerned that I am fine.

You guys, I started The Bachelor tonight at 9:15 — the exact time when I should have been writing this recap. 

Because EKG.

Screenshot 2015-02-23 22.43.51
It’s a long and stupid story that begins with me having three hours of burning pain in my left arm coupled with the fact that my husband is out of town which leads me (an admitted hypochondriac) to imagine myself stroking out in the middle of the night only to be discovered by my 13-year-old at 7 a.m. … and ends with me spending over two and a half hours in Urgent Care only to be told that I probably have a tweaked nerve.

If you look in the dictionary tonight under the word “idiot,” here’s what you’ll find:


But never fear, my friends, no threat of heart attack (or tweaked nerve) will keep me away from my recapping duties! Sure, the fact that it is now 11:00 instead of 9:00 and I cannot write it tomorrow morning because I have an actual paying deadline to meet will certainly make this recap extremely abbreviated, but it was a stupid and boring episode anyway so it was a win-win for all of us.
Except for — [spoiler alert] — Kaitlyn.

Grab a sarong, beware of the monkeys, and let’s go.

This recap will be primarily in note form, b
ecause this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching and it will be way too much work to make it all into paragraphs. 
You are welcome.
Writer’s discretion — and unapologetic judgements — of those who have chosen to open themselves up to ridicule is definitely involved.
You’ve been warned. 

Starting things off and moving things along with my patented game of “three words,” because it’s now 11:30 p.m. and the stress this recap is causing me is starting to make my right arm hurt.
(Don’t complain or I’ll take this recap away from you as fast as Kaitlyn’s hopes and dreams got taken away from her tonight.)

Gang’s in Bali.
Budget got bumped.
Chris is pumped.
Dating three girls.
Bali is hot.
Everyone is sweaty.
Monkeys are scary.
Chris is confused.
Girls are easy.
All except one.

There ya have it — the first hour and a half of the show.

Other than the fact that Kaitlyn and Whitney’s shorts were giving me a yeast infection just by looking at them (seriously girls, you do not wear tight denim shorty shorts in 100% humidity)  the first two dates were snore-ing.

Monkeys, temples, boats, swimming, dinners, limp hair, “surprise” Fantasy Suite date cards which led to a night of “talking” without cameras around — I’ll admit, my 13-year-old viewing buddy and I were more interested in who could eat more Cheezits than the other (I could, btw).

Really, the most interesting moment is when Whitney turns the feminism clock back about 50 years and tells Chris that she would give up the cool career she’s worked so hard for and move to Arlington to have his babies.

But then came Becca.
Well, not really.


Chris and Becca go to a temple where they can ask local elders all the questions.
Becca: Any advice for our date tonight?
Elders: Umm, check for residue?
Fine, they don’t really say that, but you know it’s totally solid advice.
What they really say in response is “making the love” which makes no sense in the context the question was asked in, but whatever.
Everyone laughs nervously and Becca loses all her bowels from nerves.

Here’s my take on Becca and Chris:

You guys, there is no chemistry between them.
Like noooone.
They tell us they are into each other but from where I’m sitting it looks like they are just tolerating each other.
Even when having their “very serious dinner conversation” and start to throw the L word around they say it like it tastes bad.

When the Farmer pulls out the Fantasy Suite card she tells him she’d love to have time to “talk” to him.
The moment of truth comes and Becca prefaces her big reveal with an entire, nervous speech about how they’ve been honest with each other and how she needs to share something major.
Takes a deep breath.
I’ll be honest, Becca’s nervousness and the humongous deal they’ve made of this is giving my 13-year-old all sorts of mixed messages.
Not like letting her watch this show hasn’t done that already, I do realize, but she’s understandably questioning why it’s such a big deal to be a virgin.
“IT’S NOT!” I shout and then make her watch 14 episodes of 19 Kids And Counting.

Becca finally musters up the nerve to get it out. “I’m a virgin,” she meekly mumbles.
Chris (on the outside): Um, I’m glad you told me … I’d be lying if I said it surprises me, but I think it says a lot about who are.
Chris (on the inside): Phew. Because after the rollicking nights I’ve just had with Kaitlyn and Whitney I AM WIPED.

Waking up the next day, Chris is more confused than ever and is consumed by anguish over his impending decision.
Falling in love with multiple girls and terrified to send the wrong woman home, he calls on Yoda Harrison for clarity.

Yoda Harrison: Important with you Becca shared.
Chris: After our FS date I know she’s somebody who I can definitely see being the right one for me.
Yoda: Kaitlyn what about?
Chris: I can see us having a great life together! Plus, she’s a monkey in bed.
Yoda: Whitney in love with?
Chris: Doesn’t feel right to say it yet, but I’m confident when push comes to shove I’ll be able to move ahead.
Yoda: Headed in the right direction you.

Rose ceremony at the temple.

Chris is going with his gut, and addresses the ladies who are wearing ABC issued traditional temple garb.

Chris: I’m lucky to be here with all of you. It was a great but most heart wrenching week. Some of you put out… some of you didn’t. I mean, who can blame a guy for being confused?

Pulls Becca aside to speak to her.
Whitney and Kaitlyn high five.

But Chris isn’t releasing the virgin, instead they talk about how they don’t want the mysterious (to us), troubling conversation they had in the suite to be how they end things. They are falling in love with each other and want to keep having conversations and OMG I cannot stand to listen to their monotone voices and look at their blank expressions any longer or else I will fall the eff asleep. 

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is totally optimistic that Becca is going home and because the ABC editors put in her soundbite where she admits to being happy about it we know she’s moments away from the limo of tears.

First rose to Whitney, second to Becca.
Walking out, Kaitlyn is consumed by her bitch face.

Chris (whispering to a PI-ISS-ISSED off Kaitlyn): This was the most excruciating week for me! I had to make a haaaard decision for me! It’s so hard and excruciating! I’m scared! I was scared all week! I didn’t even get laid last night! FEEL SORRY FOR ME, DAMMIT!

There’s predictable crying in the limo, but not as much as I expected.
My money’s on Kaitlyn as the next Bachelorette, which I WILL NOT BE WATCHING SO DON’T EVEN ASK.

Next week is “Women Tell All.” Since I do not ever recap that because it is two hours of nonsense (not unlike what I just watched, but still, despite what you think, I do have principles), I’ll see ya back here in two weeks for the unforgettable final rose.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to rip off EKG tabs from my chest and call it a night!

*Shameless plug alert*
Starting Sunday night I will be recapping this awesome new ABC show for Entertainment WeeklySecrets & Lies – which stars the always easy-on-the-peepers Ryan Phillippe. Catch the two hour premiere Sunday, March 1st and make sure to check EW.com after the show for my take on it!



For previous recaps, click HERE, and if you enjoy what you read, I’d appreciate you hitting the Facebook ‘like’ button and sharing the link! 
Comment below [SPOILER FREE ZONE] and let’s get talkin’.



  1. Melinda Ann on February 24, 2015 at 10:42 am

    Thank you for taking time out from your heart attack/stroke to make me laugh. Since I am a Bachelor virgin, heh heh, I’m new to this whole fantasy suite thing. The whole process is just so weird!!! But, you know, my take on Becca is that she is being very cautious and careful with her heart and feelings. I respect that. And Chris is just an awkward farm boy…the amount of times I’ve seen the deer-in-the-headlight look on his face and heard him stammer around for the right words (any words)is just excrutiating. Oy vey. Anyway, I feel better now. And your daughter’s “every farmer needs a hoe”. HI LAR I OUS. Pretty soon you can pass her the duties of reviewing while you have your heart attack. Ha!
    Carry on, dear.

    • Michelle on February 24, 2015 at 10:48 am

      Yeah, I love Becca and love that she has self-respect and seems to be really in this for the right reasons (which is why it boggles my mind that she decided to come on this show), but I just don’t see any chemistry there. Maybe it’s because of the cameras, etc. or maybe they’re so serious because they DO have feelings for each other and it’s scary. She looks terrified all the time.
      As for Chris, I agree. This “player” persona isn’t him. I hope he leaves the spotlight — after his stint on “Dancing With The Stars” of course. Oy vey is right.

      • Melinda Ann on February 26, 2015 at 10:16 am

        Who, I say, who is running the farm while this farmer is running all over the country chasing fame? Just wonderin’ over here.

  2. Sue K. on February 24, 2015 at 10:52 am

    First of all, SO glad you are okay! Phew! Second – “every farmer needs a hoe” — that apple did not fall far from the tree. 13yo rocks!! Third – the whole show had me like “YMFT will surely say something about the frizzy hair on these girls and Farmer’s perpetually wet arm pits.” He needs someone to get him a different deodorant or demand he keep the arms down. Ugh! Finally, best part of the show: when the monkey peed on him. Great combo of pit stains and monkey pee. Priceless.

    • Michelle on February 24, 2015 at 11:02 am

      Thanks! I’ll pass along your compliment! Yeah, I had notes about the humidity totally wrecking Kaitlyn’s usual “I don’t give an eff” look of messy waves and taking them to a whole new level of mess, but in the interest of time left it out. Same w the monkey parts. Hilarious. I’d have been terrified, though!

  3. NinaN on February 24, 2015 at 11:05 am

    So you didn’t like K and W’s shorts, but you were cool with Becca’s shiny black ones? What were they made of? Garbage bags???

    So happy you didn’t have a heart attack last night and were able to power through the most boring “fantasy date” episode that I have ever seen. And you made it sound way more interesting than it was.

    I’m assuming that Farm Boy sent Kaitlyn home this week because he knows he’s going to choose (ew) Whitney and it will be easier to give Becca the heave ho.

    • Michelle on February 24, 2015 at 3:44 pm

      Oh, no, definitely was suspicious of those shiny shorts, which I have a strong suspicion were a romper. My daughter thought they (it?) was cute, though, so I didn’t comment. At least they looked breezy and didn’t make me want to scratch myself.
      I agree, SUCH a snoozefest Fantasy Suite date episode. What horrible people we are to want drama and not be happy for these well adjusted folks. 😛

      • Nina on February 24, 2015 at 4:20 pm

        Oh man! I totally missed out on making that ” a heave HOE”

  4. Snarkfest on February 24, 2015 at 12:55 pm

    I will miss these recaps. Please try to remain healthy and heart-attack-free for the remainder of the season. Thanks.

    • Michelle on February 24, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      Will do my best. And the week after this disaster is over I’ll start recapping DWTS on EW.com where I’m told I can be sassy and snarky, so you’ll just have to move your Tuesday morning reading over there!! 🙂

      • Snarkfest on February 24, 2015 at 3:47 pm

        I will follow you anywhere!!! And I’ll bring friends with me. I’ve got lots of DWTS friends who would LOVE your sense of humor.

  5. Judy George on February 24, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    Don’t think you’re a hypochondriac – you’re one smart momma – it’s better to get it checked out – happy it’s “only” a pinched nerve or something. Wish I was as witty as your other commenters – but have to say I totally agree with Melinda Ann with the exception of not having watched the show before! I like Becca and Chris – their more quiet stable relationship appeals to me after some of the other ditsy dates. Sort of like Whitney but can’t stand her voice – the scene on the boat where she talked and talked reminded me of the Jillian date! Disagree that she set the woman’s movement back – she can always go back to her career and still have a family. Also have read that they make a big deal out of Arlington but it’s only about 20 minutes to a nearby town where they DO have modern facilities like movies and fast food! I never heard her ask where the nearest hospital is, though! Chris literally gets tongue tied around the girls – probably why he’s still a bachelor from Iowa – but he was very clear and thoughtful when he and Chris Harrison talked about his decision. I will miss Katelyn – thought she was the best match of those left.

  6. Onefunnymotha on February 24, 2015 at 5:54 pm

    Pure awesomeness.

  7. Just Keepin' It Real Folks on February 25, 2015 at 6:41 am

    Your recap is hilarious and spot on! I really hope everyone showered after the blinds were closed in the fantasy suite ’cause there was some serious sweat on all involved. Let’s face it, crotch sweat ain’t attractive no matter how much ya want some action! Poor Becca, I feel like she’s now walking around with a big V on her forehead.

    • Michelle on February 27, 2015 at 8:52 am

      Crotch sweat ain’t pleasing, you got that right. Apparently — according to Ali Fedotowsky, former contestant AND Bachelorette — not many of them actually DO IT in the Fantasy Suite. Hold on, I need to laugh for 85 hours. Listen, they may not be doing IT but most of those girls are showing off their talents, if you know what I mean. Ew. Now I feel like I need to go wash my hands and keyboard just for typing that thought, because let’s not forget, there’s a different girl every night. As for Becca, I do feel sorry for the big deal they’re making of it, but she’s totally adding fuel to that fire, and let’s not forget — SHE SIGNED UP FOR THIS. *shakes head*

  8. Misty Locke on February 25, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    This is my first time watching the Bachelor. Unbelievable! Which is why I googled something like “Bachelor not the sharpest tool wtf monkey pee” and found your recaps. I think you just put into words every thought that went through my head. Thank you!!!!!

  9. Liz on March 5, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    The yeast infection line—hahahaha!

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