Bachelorette Bits: Everything is so hard

(Pun. Intended.)

Sorry for the delay in getting this recap up, you guys, but I’ve been in the shower for the past 20 hours washing the filth, shame, and disgust off of me. (Try as I might, though, that nasty regret just won’t scrub off.)

gosling can't even

As we’ve come to expect this season, this week was another two-hour downer of drama, tears, anguish, jealousy, and over-analyzation (IT’S A WHORING DATING SHOW! YOU SIGNED UP FOR IT! DEAL WITH IT!!) and if I recap the entire mess like I’ve found myself doing the past few weeks something bad might happen.

kill myself gif

Yeah, that.

So this week we’re going back to what I said I’d do from the beginning—before I lost my mind with the atrocity of the season—and just hitting the bits of the episode.
Don’t worry, the bits this week are big.
{Insert your own Nick joke here}

Bachelorette bits

Disclaimer: The following is a condensed representation of actual events that happened on
‘The Bachelorette’.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, or what may be even harder to believe,
told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own…and probably yours as well. 


Let’s skip right to the good stuff, shall we?
In order to do that we’ll have to fast forward through the following:

Peter Brady (a.k.a., Ben H.) gets the next one on one date and he and Kaitlyn climb in a cardboard boat and row out to a private island where they play hide and seek in a crumbling castle.
I feel like maayybe I’ve mentioned this before, but WHAT THE F*#K, ABC?
What happened to the carnivals and winter wonderlands of years past?

PicMonkey Collage

#neverforget

Long story short, Kaitlyn and Ben H. hit it off big time, even after he pathetically tells her his biggest fear is being unloved (which makes my entire crew love him more and makes him an shoo-in for the next Bachelor) and even after he tells her that he sees the Fantasy Suite as a good place to talk (you signed up for the wrong show, buddy) and even after she calls him out for being a virgin for saying it. (He’s not, BTW. I mean, c’mon, with a face like this? Chicks be all over you.)

peter brady


We’ll also have to fast forward through a “group date” — which in reality is just Kaitlyn, Kentucky Joe, Nick, and Ryan Gosling sitting uncomfortably in a cold, windy park playing the “can I take you away for a minute” game which gets awkward when Kentucky Joe tells Kaitlyn he’s in love with her and Kaitlyn tells Kentucky Joe goodbye.
Sort of.
But not really.
Whatever her intent was, it ends badly with KJ all defensive and wondering what the hay he’s supposed to do now (good question) and her whining about why he’s being a dick and not hugging her, which he gives in and does extremely passive aggressively before leaving.
I guess.
I’m actually not exactly sure what happened to him.
He just disappeared.

Now that we’re all caught up … here’s the best bits of the rest of it.
And by “best,” I mean most disgusting, obviously.


1. From Hero to Zero
After unceremoniously sending Kentucky Joe home, Kaitlyn can’t deal so she ignores the date rose, sends Nick back to the hotel, and tells Gosling she needs to spend some QT with him.
Contrary to what you might think, she does not take him to her hotel room to have sex.
Gosling is all, yaaas! Finally a date where we get to smile!
He’s obviously a slow learner.

They go into a bar or somewhere that has dark beer (throw a dart) and sit on a loveseat and Kaitlyn is all giggly and smiley while her voiceover tells us how horrible she feels for what she’s about to do—but just to be clear, in case you haven’t heard her say it the other 382 times, SHE DOESN’T FEEL HORRIBLE FOR THE SEXING WITH NICK.

Gosling: Why are you so nervous?
Kaitlyn: I’m just so happy to be with you! Buutttt…there is something on my mind that I don’t know how to say.
8 or 800 seconds pass as she grins and stammers
Gosling: It’s okay! You can tell me! I’m your favorite!
Kaitlyn the liar spews some nonsense about honesty, and then…
Kaitlyn: Umm…I went too far with Nick the other night. It’s so hard for me to admit it, but we had sex.
Gosling:
Gosling: —
Gosling: — 
Kaitlyn cutting a hole in his head with her steely stare.
Gosling, because the other 500 things he should say apparently escape him: Do you regret it?
Kaitlyn: AS IF. It was SEX! And I LOVE sex! But I felt guilt, which is a new emotion for me, because I didn’t expect it to happen.
Me (yelling): WHAT THE EFF DID YOU EXPECT TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU PULLED HIM INTO YOUR BEDROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR??
Kaitlyn: When I woke up, I couldn’t stop thinking about YOU and what the SEX WITH YOUR ARCHRIVAL might do to OUR relationship.
(Hand to heart, that’s what she said, except for the archrival thing.)
Me (still yelling): UM…KILL IT?!?
Gosling still sitting, expressionless (as per usual), not saying anything.
Kaitlyn, continuing to prove that she’s the most selfish excuse for a girlfriend in like ever: You have to talk me through this.
Me:

gosling can't even

Gosling can’t take it and excuses himself to the bathroom, where I imagine he spends about 36 minutes leaning over the sink, staring in the mirror, and having a talk with himself that goes like this:

“Dude. Pull it together. So she slept with he who shall remain nameless. No big! You’ve dated plenty of hos! You’re a ho yourself! Remember (and here he chuckles a bit) that time you banged a country singer the very same night that other dude did? Man! That was off the chain! I mean, at least this chick is classy and only does it with one guy per night. She’s practically a nun! No worries! It’s cool! Plus, if you stick around like one more day you’ll get a piece of that, too! And let’s not forget (and here he leans in closer to the mirror and his expression becomes even more serious and he says the next part through clenched teeth) you. are. her. favorite. Plus, you are a personal trainer! So go back out there and make this shit happen. Who da man?? SHAWN DA MAN!!”

And then I imagine he splashes water on his face, does a few pushups, and heads back out the door.

When he gets back to the couch of truth, he thanks her for telling him about her sexcapade.
Um, ‘scuse me?
That’s right, HE THANKS HER FOR TELLING HIM and then tells her HE APPRECIATES HER HONESTY.
(In case you were wondering how low a person’s self-respect can go, you just witnessed it. Congratualtions.)

Gosling: I’m just gonna man up and deal with it and get past it. I can’t be mad.
Kaitlyn, saying the only smart thing I’ve heard her say in six weeks: You can!!
Gosling: No, I’m not gonna storm out of here, because despite the residue of my enemy I now will see coating your entire body every time I look at you, I want to be with you.
Me:

Really, it can't be said enough this season, can it?

Really, it can’t be said enough this season, can it?


Gosling:
You are worth it. And also, pleasepleaseplease let me go first on Fantasy Suite night.
Spoiler alert: She doesn’t.


2. To trust or not to trust…that is the question
By the next night, Gosling apparently has had some time to noodle the whole girlfriend had sex with guy I cannot stand even though she like had just told me she had strong feelings for me thing, not to mention the additional mind-fuck of and the morning after didn’t regret it but only felt guilt (which anyone knows is like the biggest cop out of an apology ever).
So when Kaitlyn calls his name to give him the first rose, he tells her he needs to talk.
Some more. 

Oh, good grief, dude. Just either throw caution to the wind and realize YOU SIGNED UP FOR A SHOW WHERE IT IS ACCEPTABLE AND NORMAL FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO BE A CHEATING HO or pull up your big boy panties, regain some of that dignity you claim to have, and get the hell out of there.

Gosling is all, I’m having a hard time with this because I mean I get you have other relationships and might sleep around, but why did you have to do it with he who must not be named? ANYONE BUT HIM!!

voldemort

Kaitlyn is like, I’m having a hard time, too!! I’m here to have so much sex and you’re bumming me out! I totally shouldn’t have told you I had feelings for you. Sex is so much easier without feelings!

Then she tells him he just needs to chill and let her figure things out for herself and then wonders if they end up together if he’ll be able to trust her, because she doesn’t think he can. Drops the mic and walks away.

This should’ve been the easy out for Gosling and would’ve certainly wrapped up his bid for The Bachelor with a nice bow, but the rose ceremony resumes and he accepts Kaitlyn’s rose.
Because trust is stupid.


3. Nick’s Irish luck continues
Because he’s obviously still got the luck of the Irish with him, Nick gets the coveted first Fantasy Suite date, which makes total sense.
No use mixing fluids unnecessarily.
The other two remaining suitors (Gosling and Ben H. — Jared got the boot but behaved like a true class act, and don’t worry, I hear he’s already getting his wounds licked (cough) as a contestant on Bachelor in Paradise) are once again left with Nick’s sloppy seconds … or thirds, if you will.

Kaitlyn: I don’t know how the overnights are gonna go. Part of me is excited … part of me is nervous … every inch of me is shaved …

Kaitlyn and Nick head into a cathedral where they contemplate confession, but since they only have the one day, they just light a candle and talk, which makes Kaitlyn exclaim that her connection with Nick isn’t just physical but spiritual as well.

gagging

Later, in a pub, they sit drinking multiple whiskeys and talk about normal date stuff. You know, like Kaitlyn’s first kiss and the first time Nick touched someone’s private parts.

wait what

I’m not even gonna touch that one.
{rim shot}

Nick tells us he’s excited to “connect with Kaitlyn on every level there is to connect.”
OMIGOD WE KNOW.
He then tells Kaitlyn that Gosling is his nemesis and he has like zero respect for the guy. Why? Oh, you know, that whole eskimo brothers double banging thing with the unnamed country singer (whom I’m dying to know the identity of and have considered Googling but am unsure what exactly to type in the search box because I’m terrified of what the results will show if the phrase “eskimo brothers” is part of it).

Kaitlyn wonders aloud why Nick is the only one the other guys complain about and why no one else hates Gosling with the heat of a thousand suns like Nick does.

Dumb-Chelsea-Handler

Thank you, Chelsea. Let’s move on.

Kaitlyn gives Nick the Fantasy Suite card and goes through the whole “What do you think??” routine (which is like 45 seconds lost, if you know what I’m sayin’) and then she tricks him into thinking their suite is a jail cell and he’s all, I’ll do it wherever! (oh yes he did too really say that) and then they go to a real suite and can’t close the cameras out fast enough and the next morning are all cutesy eating room service and bickering about bacon.

gag

I hope he wins.
They’re actually perfect for eachother.
They both make me barf.


4. Throwdown in Ireland (Part I)
Gosling still cannot let it go and shows up at Nick’s door ready for an epic battle and my crew and I scooch to the edges of our seats … for nothing.
Gosling: Why are you even here?
Nick: Well, uh, more TV sex, obvs. But you don’t know me!
Gosling: Uh, yeah I do. You’re manipulative and arrogant!
Nick: Back atcha.
Gosling: If she ends up picking you, then I’ll walk away just FINE because I’ll know she has shit for standards!
Nick: SAME!

It’s pathetic, and it’s not even over.
Next week we’ll get to see the continuation of this compelling verbal attack and find out what drama makes Kaitlyn cry…again.
Seriously, you guys, no one has smiled or laughed since Kentucky Joe’s nut escaped that diaper.
I miss it. 

Catch up on the other Bachelorette Bits as well as FULL recaps of Des’, Juan Pablo’s and Farmer Chris’ seasons right >>HERE<<

7 Comments

  1. NinaN on July 7, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    Oh man, poor Kaitlyn has really got herself into a bit of a uh……sticky situation. Sorry, had to. I regret nothing! And neither should you Kaitlyn! Thanks again for watching this for the rest of us 🙂

    • Michelle on July 7, 2015 at 6:45 pm

      Slow clap standing-O for that quip. Brilliant.

  2. Judy George on July 7, 2015 at 11:20 pm

    OMG – I love your Bachelor Bits! Why am watching this show? Why did I really truly like Kaitlyn in the beginning? Why was I so happy it was she and not Britt that “won”? (I could have saved myself hours of endless ……whatever…..had it been Britt. But then I ask myself……would I have been strong enough to resist the call?) You have always made fun of Jared and that’s my only area of disagreement with you – even though on the beginning show, I believe he said he was hoping that it was Britt – I felt he was really an honest and good guy and now he’s gone. He just needed a hair stylist. What did I expect……Kaitlyn is shallow – Ian was right – I saw that on the Bachelor – her quips, her sarcastic way, her weird sense of humor – but it appealed to me – that appeal is gone. There will be sex dates, then 2 hometowns and, of course, they’ll be with Nick and Shawn because poor Ben doesn’t really stand a chance – he’s just the “middle guy” – and in the end, she’s going to choose Nick – that is, if Shawn doesn’t choose to go home before the finale. And I totally agree – Nick is a shallow sleeze, Kaitlyn is a shallow sleeze – they will make an awesome pair – can’t wait for the “after the rose” show! Haven’t seen a lot of Chris Harrison this season – why do you suppose that is?

  3. Snarkfest on July 8, 2015 at 9:33 am

    I’m starting to feel guilty, Michelle. You watch this crap, I don’t. You go through the weekly ordeal of putting said crap down on paper (you know what I mean) for the entertainment of others, despite the show being crap. I will admit there’s no way in hell I’d ever watch this horrible excuse for TV. And now I feel bad that you watch it and put your energies into recaps. I feel like I should buy you a bottle of wine for doing what you do for your audience. You are awesome and I have a bottle of wine waiting for when we do finally meet. A bottle of wine with an apology for needing more of your recaps. Because your recaps are epic. Way more epic than this stupid show could ever be.

  4. Moira on July 8, 2015 at 5:59 pm

    Please don’t ever stop watching the Bachelor franchise! You are the my favorite girl on the entire internet! FUNNY SH*T, Michelle! I almost wrote this season off as unwatchable, but I stay tuned and look forward to having you put my disgust into a prefect recap! Thanks for taking all of this for the team!

    BTW, what is Ben H. on the show? Doesn’t he seem better than this?

    • Michelle on July 12, 2015 at 11:34 am

      You are too kind! But after this one, I need a good cleanse. Don’t think I can take “Bachelor in Paradise.” BUT I’ll pick up in January for The Bachelor.
      And yes! Ben H. is awesome. If he’s the next Bachelor I’ll be happy (because we get to see more of his adorable face) but so, so disappointed in him for lowering himself to the ickiness yet again.

      • Moira on July 12, 2015 at 11:48 am

        I have never seen Bachelor in Paradise. I sense that is should be called “Bachelor Castoffs – Desperation Island”. I agree, after this season, a detox is in order.

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