You guys, I’m not kidding, since the episode ended I’ve had the chorus to that old 1976 song by Mary MacGregor in my head on a loop. (And don’t even tell me you don’t know the song or I’ll have my Stretch Armstrong beat you up.)

“Torn between two loverrrrs…feeling like a fool. Lovin’ both of you is breaking all the ruuuules….”

And then I Googled the lyrics and discovered that Mary MacGregor could and should totally sue ABC for taking her idea and making it into a reality show.

There are times when a woman has to say what’s on her mind
Even though she knows how much it’s gonna hurt
Before I say another word let me tell you, I love you
Let me hold you close and say these words as gently as I can

There’s been another man that I’ve needed and I’ve loved
But that doesn’t mean I love you less
And he knows he can’t possess me and he knows he never will
There’s just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill

[Chorus:]
Torn between two lovers, feelin’ like a fool
Lovin’ both of you is breakin’ all the rules
Torn between two lovers, feelin’ like a fool
Lovin’ you both is breakin’ all the rules

You mustn’t think you’ve failed me
Just because there’s someone else
You were the first real love I ever had
And all the things I ever said
I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you

[Chorus]

I couldn’t really blame you if you turned and walked away
But with everything I feel inside, I’m asking you to stay

[Chorus]

I mean, right?? It’s like The Bachelor franchise all summed up in one heartbreakingly lovely and tragic song.

So then I Googled Mary MacGregor to see if she was dead which would make her lawsuit a moot point, and guess what? Not only is she alive but lives in St. Paul, MN!
Like I won’t be doing some internet stalking (and possibly real stalking) later.
But enough talk about lawsuits. We’ve got some bits to cover.
And yes, I am talking about Gosling.

Bachelorette bits

Disclaimer: The following is a condensed representation of actual events that happened on
‘The Bachelorette’.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, or what may be even harder to believe,
told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own…and probably yours as well. 


To get to the juicy bits, we’ll need to bypass the continuation of Gosling and Nick’s stupid staged confrontation quickly, so let’s play the YMFT patent-pending game of “Three Words” —

Verbal mudslinging continues
Still super lame
According to Gosling:
Nick is manipulative
And inconsiderate f*ck
And idiotic loser
According to Nick:
Gosling is too.
End of story
If only …

Okay, fine, the last one is only two words but am I right? Enough with the bickering and hatred.
Except [spoiler alert] it’s not.

On to the bits…

1. Torn Between Two Sweaters
Ben H. is the cream in Kaitlyn’s Fantasy Suite Oreo and scores the next one on one date.
Wearing matching cable knit sweaters (because Ireland) their date starts off on horseback, which Kaitlyn has never experienced before and which she’s a bit nervous about.

Time out for a quiz.

Kaitlyn's face
This is the face Kaitlyn makes when:
A. she sees a bird of any kind
B. she hears a horse whinny
C. Nick drops his pants
D. all of the above

*Answer Key: D

Once in the saddle, Kaitlyn tells Ben that it “feels right.”
Somehow that grosses me out, but since everything she does or says is now laced with sexual innuendo for me, it makes sense.

There’s some cutesy donkey feeding and goat ogling, and then the two end up picnicking in front of a castle overlooking a lake.
It’s sickningly perfect.
I mean, if you forget the fact that it’s Kaitlyn on that blanket with him and not yourself.
Which I do.

The castle is theirs for the night, so Ben is taken somewhere to switch his navy cable knit for an ivory one and Kaitlyn greets him up on the turret like Rapunzel.
It’s super cute (which I will totally deny admitting later when she [spoiler alert] shatters his heart).
“I could picture life with Ben,” she says giddily.
“ME TOO!” I shout, before remembering the man whom I am currently spending my life with is sitting next to me.
Ben drops the bomb that he had his 26th birthday sometime during the past month or two but didn’t say anything because he knows he’s younger (she’s 30) and he didn’t want age to be an issue.
Me: YAHOOOOO!!! I’M IN!
Husband: His face says 26 but his sweater says 84.
Hey now, no need to get all pissy about it.

After presenting Ben with Harrison’s Fantasy Suite card (btw, Harrison’s handwriting looks like mine in 7th grade — I’m actually surprised the i’s aren’t dotted with hearts) Kaitlyn tells him that staying overnight is “a big deal” for her. “But I mean, I’ve done it a ton already on this show, so….”
Ben: I’m confident! I mean, we’ve never talked about your relationships with the other guys, but…
Kaitlyn: Um, yeah, well now that you bring it u–
Ben: I mean, I don’t need to hear about it! I look at you and see forever! I’m falling in love! Let’s go to that suite and talk and not talk all night long! It’s gonna be the best sleepover ever!
Kaitlyn, chuckling at his youthful enthusiasm and already saying goodbye to him forever in her mind for it, is all shuuut up already and takes him to her room to show him how things go down in Cougartown.

The next morning, the two stand and gaze sleepily out the castle window, and then we see Ben take his walk of shame lazily away with tiny emoticon hearts dancing over his adorable head.



2. Golfing with Barbie and Ken
Drawing the short straw, Gosling is third man up to enjoy Kaitlyn’s lucky charms, and she greets him by presenting him a gift of douchy golf clothes, because I guess the poor sap hasn’t been kicked to the curb enough this season.
Looking like a Ken doll, Gosling is excited to play golf with Kaitlyn, and even more so when he sees her in her plaid spandex golf leggings.
SPANDEX GOLF LEGGINGS, which are cute in a “never to be seen on a golf course” kind of way.
After a round of golf which has been edited to make it seem like Gosling sucks at golf (seriously, can the dude not catch any breaks?) and like Kaitlyn is an instant pro, they decide to spice things up with a little betting action on the putting green.

Kaitlyn: If I win, I get whatever I ask for. And if you win, I get whatever I ask for.
Husband: So, sex then?
Eh, forget Ben H., I’ve got a keeper.

They’re both so glad to have had a day with actual laughter that they then decide to switch things up and play truth or dare (always a great idea) and for some reason Kaitlyn’s first dare is for Gosling to strip naked and run across the golf course.
Of course it is.
So he does it.
Of course he does.
Stripping off the pants and the spandex leggings he’s inexplicably wearing underneath (total sign they’re meant for each other, btw — a shared love of spandex speaks volumes), and after a few jokes about covering his junk with his little big glove, Gosling takes a moment to pose for the cameras which sends Kaitlyn into a tailspin of laughter, causes half of the viewing audience to pause and take screengrabs (shut up), and makes the ABC censors work overtime for the first time since Jillian refused to wear undies on the Farmer’s season.

golf

At dinner, Kaitlyn, dressed in a cute and uncharacteristically modest black and white dress, and with her hair in its typical one-sided thing, tells Gosling that it was so super fun to have a day without the usual tension and tears and fights and drama and anger and bitterness and regret and accusations and insecurity!
Loosely.
Gosling, smiling and happy and more relaxed than I’ve seen him all season, agrees.
So Kaitlyn brings up Nick, because schadenfreude.

Kaitlyn: So what the f*ck is up with your hatred toward him? Why won’t you even talk to him?
Gosling: I did!
Kaitlyn: You did?? Yay! Bros!
Gosling: Yeah, I went to his place and told him he was an inconsiderate f*ck and that I don’t think he’s here for the right reasons but he got all defensive and made up shit about me. And by the way, if the word “eskimo” ever comes up…
Kaitlyn: But I’m thinking of a husband here, and it’s scary because I don’t want an eskimo brother for a husband…I mean, unless you’d consider Nick?

Okay, fine, she doesn’t say that last part, but it wouldn’t have made Gosling any less pissed off than he already is.
Now that everyone’s in the mood, here’s the Fantasy Suite card, which Gosling grabs before pounding what’s left of his drink, taking Kaitlyn’s hand and beelining it for the room.
Angry sex.
Check.

The next morning there’s no adorable quibbles over bacon, no gazing longingly out a castle window, just Gosling stalking down the hotel hallway leaving a worn-out and messy looking Kaitlyn leaning on her doorframe with a worried look on her face.
Ooh! Pick him, then.
Already has all the makings of a front page People magazine breakup come August.

3. A sad exit, and an even sadder (but wonderful) announcement
The rose ceremony isn’t anything we don’t expect, so let’s zip through it.
After a momentary breakdown and some hasty whispered advice from Harrison, Kaitlyn regains composure to face the three suitors.

Kaitlyn: This decision was impossible, but I’m following my heart.
Yeah, the one we can all see.

dress

Kaitlyn: I feel like the overnights went really, really well. You’re all really, really good at sex.

She then gives the roses to arch enemies Nick and Gosling, and poor, adorable Peter Brady is left crushed, but says goodbye in his usual, adorable way.

that's swell


Ben gets into the exit limo and buckles his seatbelt (safety first! And now I love him even more) and through tears tells us that he’ll miss her.
Three times.
Eh, cut him some slack. He’s surely already imagining himself in a hot tub with a few blondes come September.

Screenshot 2015-07-14 12.27.13

And although this decision saddens me because I hoped he had more self-respect than to continue with this journey of debauchery and disgust, it also means I’ll for sure be recapping his season, because he’s freaking adorable (have I mentioned that?) and I’m gonna keep my fingers crossed that he’ll be the first Bachelor to manuever his way through the filth without getting dirty.

Shush.

4. Meet the parents
Because ABC already changed the game by moving the acceptable sexing part up, they keep messing with the usual format and move all the “hometowns” to Deer Valley, UT.
Whatever. I’m too ready for this episode to be over to question it.

Nick’s giant family is waiting in their suite and are all gloomy and worried about what this process will do to their already fragile boy and are all pretty much already grief-stricken.
Even Bella, the littlest sister, who is like 11, is in tears over the state of Nick’s heart.

Nick, meanwhile, is outside telling Kaitlyn that last year with Andi when he was in the finals and said he was in love he was totally kidding but now he’s not and he’s totally in love this time with her.

judge judy

Once the two lovebirds enter the suite, the somber family is all Yay! We love you! Nick and Kaitlyn 4-ever!

Sister: You were in the finals with the Farmer. How is it different with Nick?
Kaitlyn: Well, for starters, Nick does this thing with his big toe that —
Sister: No! I mean emotionally.
Kaitlyn: Oh! Well, we have great conversation (read: sex) and we challenge each other (read: I have no idea what that means but I imagine it has something to do with sex).
Brother: What makes Nick different than all the rest?
Kaitlyn: Well, he does this thing with his big toe that —
Brother: No!
Kaitlyn: Oh, well, I really bonded with Nick right away.
OMIGOD WE KNOW.
Bella: Do you love my brother?
Kaitlyn: Your shirt is so pretty! And yeah, I feel good feelings with him.
Um..let’s keep it PG, Kaitlyn.

that's gross ellen

Nick’s mom compares what she’s seeing with Kaitlyn to what she saw with Andi last year, and Nick’s like yeah, and takes a moment to also compare this journey to the one he had a year ago and omigod can we all just stop and appreciate the absolute clusterfuck of this situation?
After Nick tells his mother that Kaitlyn is “good at making out” (insert the Fresh Prince GIF here) she gives him her blessing.

Good grief.

Kaitlyn takes Nick back to her room…again…and they talk about his family and drink some more liquor and kiss horizontally on the couch and he whispers that he loves her and tells her they should make babies.
And so they do.

The next day, Gosling tells his family that he’s the only one left…out of the original 25.
Gosling: But there’s only two guys left, not the usual four because Kaitlyn is such a ho they had to change the game.
Family: Ahhhh! Lovin’ it!

Gosling’s protective sisters tell Kaitlyn that baby bro is serious and sensitive and has a heart of gold. They loooove Kaitlyn but are worried about something.
Sister: Are you worried that once the TV show’s over you’ll be able to do this in the real world?
Kaitlyn: No, I mean, the dates have gotten so shitty it’ll be a breeze.
Or something (not) like that.

Gosling’s dad plays tough cop with him and questions something but by this point I was done and was playing Disney Tsum Tsum on my iPad.
Moving on.

Kaitlyn takes Gosling back to her room and they sit on the same couch she soiled with Nick the night before, and as Kaitlyn enjoys her 12th tumbler of Chardonnay Gosling tells her that he’s fully in love with her.
Kaitlyn excuses herself to break down on the balcony with the realization that she’s truly torn between two lovers. 

Torn between two lovers, feelin’ like a fool
Lovin’ both of you is breakin’ all the rules
Torn between two lovers, feelin’ like a fool
Lovin’ you both is breakin’ all the rules

Next week is The Men Tell All, which I do not recap or usually watch for that matter, although since I plan to be lakeside with a nice tumbler of Chardonnay next Monday night I will drink in solidarity with those of you who are watching.
The bits will resume…and end!…in two weeks when we find out whose heart she stomps on.
I have a weird feeling it’s someone who might already be gearing up for round three.

We've got a new contender! (Jason Segel) Vote for your favorite doppelganger in the comments below!

We’ve got a new contender! (Jason Segel) Vote for your favorite Nick doppelganger in the comments below!


Catch up on the other Bachelorette Bits as well as full recaps of Des’, Juan Pablo’s and Farmer Chris’ seasons right >>HERE<<

6 Comments

  1. Jackie Owen on July 14, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    You crack me up everytime!!

  2. Ann Marie Skubitz on July 14, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    I actually like Jason letter A so won’t pick him. I’ve got to go with D the G-funk.
    Your synopsis always makes me laugh. And I totally know the song. How true.

  3. Deb Church on July 14, 2015 at 8:53 pm

    My wine is coming out my nose I am laughing so hard. I am a Brady Bunch freak so the “that’s swell” reference is spot on! Kaitlyn just needs to have a threeway with Nick and Gosling and get it over with.

  4. Judy George on July 14, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    Wasn’t planning on watchng the next fiasco but if Ben is going to truly be the Bachelor, I’ll have to – love him! Have we got a drinking game going every time Kaitlyn says “oh, my gosh, my heart is beating out of my chest”! Tried it myself one night and got pretty “happy”. My money is definitely on Nick and I have a new respect for Shawn when he says if she chooses Nick, he will be OK because it will mean they definitely weren’t meant to be together. And Ben…….I’ve never understood why – when the last ones leave – they don’t offer a bit of advice to the bachelorette whoever she may be. So often there is a “Nick” in the house – and say “watch it with………”. I’m sure all of Nick’s emotion – his tears and tight voice – are for the camera – literally can’t stand him.

  5. Snarkfest on July 15, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    Totally love this AND am SQUEEING that you’ll be back to recap next season so I won’t break my streak of never watching a single episode of this show!!

  6. Shannon Baker Marek on July 16, 2015 at 12:25 am

    D- for sure!!!!!

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