Ahhh, awards season.
It comes rushing in on a cool breeze of Pumpkin Spice, changing leaves, and front porch mums.
Well, in Minnesota, anyway.
In Los Angeles it comes in on a 100° heat wave of deflated hair, glistening décolletage, and impressive back sweat.
If you’ve been hanging around here long enough, you know how I feel about award show days.
How I used to feel about award show days.
It seems like the past few years I’m on an entirely different wavelength than the voters … and the general public.
Big Bang Theory? Not funny.
Game of Thrones? Not interested.
Mad Men? Tried and failed.
Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, and pretty much any show on HBO? Don’t watch.
I’ve totally lost all credibility now, haven’t I?
But when everyone nominated, not to mention all those who actually win, are from shows I don’t watch, and when those few who are nominated from shows I do watch don’t ever win, the actual award show ends up being three-hours of boredom and results in rage-fueled regret of the hours of my life I’ll never get back. Not to mention the two hours spent watching E! Live From The Red Carpet, where Ryan looked even more miniature than usual and Giuliana annoyed me by calling him “sweetie” all night, probably because she was mistaking him for her toddler.
Let’s be honest, though, who really watches for the awards part of it anyway? If you’re like me, you’re watching for the fashion, the host’s triumph or failure, and to catch any glimpse you can of Rob Lowe.
But enough about Lowe (JUST KIDDING THERE’LL BE MORE LATER), let’s get to the awesome and awkward moments of the 2015 Emmys.
Lady Gaga knowing when to bring the class –
Julianne Hough not knowing when to not bring out the Lady Gaga –
This couple, who you just know constantly smell like sex –
Even more Awesome –
Applauding your wife of 18 years on the red carpet, which totally trumps smelling like beautiful-people sex –
Allison Janey, killing it at age 55 –
Even more Awesome:
The fact that Janey won her (well deserved) seventh acting Emmy … and that she rocked it hard with her 35-year-old boyfriend –
Amy Poehler thuggin’ it while her category was called (and she
was robbed lost…again) –
The fact that she obviously forgot to do her hair before the ceremony –
This Andy Samberg joke – “We said goodbye to Mad Men and Parks and Recreation . We also said goodbye toTrue Detective, even though it’s still on the air.”
Every other Andy Samberg joke.
Sarah Hyland, at age 24, bringing some serious class –
Heidi Klum, at age 42, bringing some serious sleaze –
John Stamos and Gina Rodriquez—two of my faves—presenting together –
Even more Awesome:
John Stamos alone.
When Fred Savage opened his mouth and Kevin Arnold came out –
When Tatiana Maslany opened her mouth and shoved in “beans” in a lame two-minute skit that lasted 1:58 too long –
The “In Memoriam” piece devoted to all the shows that we lost this past year –
The fact that, just like the other “In Memoriam” piece, I didn’t know some of those people died. #spoileralert
Andy Samberg’s opener.
Even more Awesome:
Andy Samberg’s closer.
Things I learned:
•I will give Veep another try since it just won all the damn awards even though I didn’t really like it the first time I watched it but at the end of the day I’m a follower
•Regina King is obviously a lot older than she looks since her son is a man … or she had him at age 11
•Motorboating a giant Emmy’s ass on network TV is perfectly acceptable (good to know)
•Tracey Morgan’s accident thankfully didn’t hurt his perverted sense of humor
•Eating an Emmy envelope for a cheap laugh won’t necessarily get you one
•Jon Hamm isn’t nearly as enigmatic as he is handsome
•And finally, Rob Lowe will always, always, be the hottest guy in the room –