Cooking Videos: My kind of porn


My kind of porn
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been an all-in kind of a girl.

(That’s what he said.)

high five marsh and lily

What I mean is that I’m easily — too easily — consumed by things.
All kinds of things.
Things like television shows and brands of chips and buying sporty clothes that make me look like I work out.
Things like scrapbooking supplies and colorful yarn and the darling pads of note paper at the Target Dollar Spot.
Things like BuzzFeed lists and funny GIFs and YouTube videos of cats running around with their heads stuck in boxes.
Chip and Joanna Gaines.
Fruity chardonnay.
Zac Efron.
And lately, cooking videos.

You know the ones I’m talking about.
Those videos that are all over your Facebook newsfeed that give you an aerial shot of a pair of disembodied hands adeptly making an entire recipe in under a minute.

Listen, I’d rather be forced to watch a Will Smith movie marathon than have to cook anything, and yet these short videos are like mother-effing porn to me … if, of course, I was a person who was a connoisseur of porn. Which I’m not. But I’m sticking with the comparison because I know you’ll get it.

It’s true. No matter what the bodiless pair of hands is making — even if it’s something I don’t even like, like HAM — I’m hypnotized.
Completely transfixed.
Turned on and horrified at the same time.

Maybe it’s the hands that do everything so quickly and efficiently (which is completely foreign and baffling to someone who uses almost all the utensils and cookware she owns to make buttered noodles) that is what makes watching them more than a little bit intoxicating.

Maybe it’s the speeded up prep time that’s enticing to someone who’s usually discouraged to attempt anything that takes longer than 15 minutes to prepare and execute that is what makes them almost erotic.

Maybe it’s the jaunty, pulsating music that accompanies the whole damn thing that gets me in a mood that makes me somehow want to cook.  

Whatever it is, I’m obsessed.
And as a result, want to consume.
Even *whispers* the ham.

Seriously, I can easily spend an hour browsing the videos on Tasty’s YouTube channel or others like it (I’m even obsessed with How To Cake It, which is beyond ridiculous because the only cakes I make are from a box, spread with frosting from a can, and take one of two shapes: rectangle or circle).
It doesn’t make sense!

not a cook
The strange thing is, even though most of the videos I watch are of foods I’d happily eat, and even though the disembodied hands make it look so easy to achieve the delectable end result, I’d still never in a million years actually make most of the recipes that I’ve watched.

Sure, I’ve bookmarked and saved and pinned many of Tasty’s recipes, but in reality? We’re eating quesadillas and scrambled eggs tonight.
Because listen, if there’s more than 6 or 7 ingredients involved it’s just entertainment as far as I’m concerned.

But the point really isn’t if I’m actually ever going to make the recipes or not, is it? The point is, IT DOESN’T MATTER.
Because the smart folks at Tasty and BuzzFeed Food and all the others have me right where they want me.
Much like Dollar Spot notepads, fruity chardonnay and Zac Efron, and sure, even porn IF I WAS THAT KIND OF A GIRL, craving more.


*On my OH HELL YES! list, other than the three videos shown above:
Shrimp and Asparagus Stir-Fry
Garlic Parmesan Zucchini Chips (have made a version of these before and they’re DEELISH)
Bacon and Egg Fried Rice
Chicken Avocado pizza
Penne 4 Ways


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