Q: What do dolphins, Ariel the mermaid, and Olivia Pope have in common?
D: an addiction to
fine any Cabernet
E: three things most girls who sell their souls to ABC wish they could be
D (again). all of the above
I think the answer is obvious.
D. For duh, doh, and disaster.
Throw in a few (or more) tattoos, a love of The Notebook, and a scary move to a new city (on their own!) and you already know pretty much all you need to know about probably half of The Bachelor‘s new batch of victims.
I spent the day after Christmas pouring over all 30 questionnaires of the bevy of identical beauts who have willing set themselves up for ridicule and regret starting in just four days, and you guys, I have one thing to say:
I’m already bored.
Seriously. This group of ladies either all copied each other’s answers or are all so unbelievably dull and unoriginal that I really have only one thought:
They all deserve what they’re about to get.
You guys, I was sick of him two years ago, but much like a cockroach, dude just keeps on coming back to disgust me.
If you’re a long time reader of the YMFT recaps, you might remember I had some fun with Nick back in Kaitlyn’s season.
Wait. I mean, Kaitlyn obviously was the one having all the fun, but I poked fun.
Wait. Nick was obviously the one doing all the poking. I was just reacting.
Anytime Nick is around, it’s just gross, no matter how I spin it.
To refresh your memory, read THIS while I go shower the filth of remembering off of me. (And if you want to read the rest of the episode recaps with nasty Nick, search this RECAPS tab for the rest of Kaitlyn’s season.)
And although by After The Final Rose I actually said this —
Well, yes, that was surprising, but what I now realize Chris Harrison has meant every time he’s told us the finale would be “the most shocking ever” was that Nick would transform into an A+ class act who handled the situation with grace and restrained humility.
And I liked him for it.
— I think I might have been delusional.
Clearly someone slipped a Mickey in my Chardonnay.
While I do vaguely remember Kaitlyn’s cruel rejection and subsequent ATFR bitchiness while Nick was nothing but a gentleman and a class-act, now that he’s pimped himself out not only on Bachelor in Paradise and a third run on this shit-show, I take everything I said right here back.
But alas, he’s back. And he’s got 30 women who, if they’re smart, will most likely run like hell down the freshly soaked cobblestone driveway when they step foot out of the limo and see who’s standing there.
Seriously, this guy never looked so good, amiright??
But you know they won’t.
They’ll squeal and hug and pee their spanx with excitement and pray they’ll be lucky enough to have a notch on Nick’s belt named after them.
Here’s a few of my favorites: a few girls I actually like…and then a few of the girls I hope end up with Nick.
Danielle M. is my favorite, and it’s not just because girlfriend has an amazing haircut.
Danielle lost her fiancé (not like at the mall…he actually died) and made a move to Nashville to “put herself back together.” She’s a neonatal nurse, which right away makes her a hero to me, as I owe my daughters’ lives to people like Danielle.
Danielle wants to be Hermione Granger instead of Ariel or Olivia Pope, which means her short, sassy haircut isn’t the only thing setting her apart from the rest of the pod.
Here’s hoping she uses an Avis spell to send birds to attack Nick at some point.
Tied for fave is Kristina, a fiery former orphan who loves her adoptive parents and who throws major shade at her biological mother right off the bat in her questionnaire.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My biological mother. I’d like to know what she was going through when I was young and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it.
Her favorite designer is herself because girlfriend knows how to throw an outfit together, and doesn’t fear aging because it’s beautiful and “represents life’s milestones.”
She lists Fiona from Shrek as who she’d want to be, basically because she’s a badass…and darling.
Going on record RIGHT NOW by saying that if Kristina sticks around I’ll be renaming her Fiona, and that I hope she and Danielle get sent home night one so they can be spared Nick and his giant nipple.
Sarah is an adorable grade school teacher and slyly quotes a line from the musical Annie in her questionnaire, so right away I love her.
What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Maybe this, or moving to NYC with 3 bucks, 2 bags, and 1 me.
I’ll even forgive her the unoriginality of her inclusion of Olivia Pope.
And then there’s Alexis —
Alexis is an aspiring dolphin trainer, just like we all were at age five.
REAL ORIGINAL, ALEXIS.
Seriously, we don’t know what Alexis actually does, just that she aspires to be a dolphin trainer. By that logic, every other contestant’s occupation could say “Olivia Pope.”
I’m betting Alexis is the one who shows up in the dolphin suit, and while I love her for literally wearing her freak flag, I also have to wonder what she really does for a living.
I’ll take a wild guess:
Here’s Liz —
She’s a doula from Las Vegas with eight tattoos which basically consist of trees and sayings and more trees and sayings.
Liz is an unapologetic Belieber (as in Justin), but what really sets her apart is her aversion to violence.
If I never had to ______, I would be very happy. Kill someone
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CHILDHOOD DID YOU HAVE, LIZ??
This is Raven, whose name I’ll never forget BECAUSE SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A RAVEN.
She doesn’t want to be Olivia Pope or Ariel the mermaid, ya’ll.
She wants to be Blue Ivy.
As in, THE DAUGHTER OF BEYONCÉ.
Who is FOUR YEARS OLD.
Raven’s favorite actress is Brittany Murphy — “WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE.”
Because a dead Brittany Murphy is a crap actress, obviously.
Jami is a chef from LA with six tattoos who has catered the Oscars, which I’ll admit makes me admire her more than a little bit.
The fact that she can bench press a man (which according to her is “exciting” and “surprising” and frankly tells us too much about her bedroom behavior), not to mention her designation of being a “Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian” makes me hate her.
Here’s Lacey, who wants to eat burgers and fries with Shakespeare, J.K. Rowling, and — wait for it — Joe Jonas.
So close, Lacey. So close.
Taylor’s favorite clothes designer is Forever 21.
You know, the store made possible by tiny underpaid Chinese children where your teenagers drag you to to have multiple nervous breakdowns.
I despise Forever 21 almost as much as I despise Nick, so Taylor is my early favorite for final rose.
And then there’s Hailey, who is already so over it … and therefore is already my spirit animal.
There’s a lot of others with tattoos who love Olivia Pope and The Notebook, but I’ve only got so much patience this early in the game, folks. So stock up on Chardonnay and Skinny Pop and start saying goodbye to your self-respect. We’re only four days away from shameful regret … and as usual, I’ll be here with you guiding you through all the delicious, disgusting disaster.
Check back Tuesday afternoon for the first recap!
God help us all.
For snarktastic, mostly accurate recaps of previous Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, click HERE