It’s only week two into our descent into Hell, Bachelor fans, and I don’t know about you, but I’m already starting to feel the burn.
Nick, on the other hand, is already starting to feel the boobs.
Grab a drink, douse yourself in Purell, and let’s get this over with.
The following is a (sort-of-but-not-really) condensed representation of actual events that happened on The Bachelor.
Some of the facts have been omitted, exaggerated, hypothesized, or what may be even harder to believe, told with complete accuracy.
All opinions and judgements are my own—and probably yours as well—so no judging the recapper, only the actual players involved (obviously), because that’s what makes it so much fun.
It’s Day One and we arrive at the mansion of misbehavior to find the top 21 already OD-ing on their own personal Nick fantasies and morning cocktails.
Harrison arrives, looking effortlessly casual as usual, and gives the girls the usual rundown of date card rules. “Not everyone will get a date with Nick, so when you do get one-on-one time make the most of it,” he advises. Corinne excuses herself to have her nanny help her insert her NuvaRing.
The first group date card reads “Always a bridesmaid…” so right away the girls lose their minds imagining being Mrs. Vile. In fact, Corinne tells us, in her dream world she’d be marrying Nick — the man she just met last night — today. Suck it, nanny, I found someone else to cut my cucumbers for me!
The girls walk out and see three matching blue Buick convertibles waiting for them.
The ABC interns make a note to have defibrillators on hand when they bring in the helicopters.
After a game of eeny-meeny-miney-mo, the three least drunk girls hop behind the wheels and careen down the curvy mountain road, trying their best to throw a few of the competition out the back in the process.
When they arrive at another mansion that someone who cares more about dolla dolla bills than contamination has rented to ABC, the girls are giddy and sprint through the marble halls to find Nick, who is waiting for them out on the lawn with Franco, a world renowned wedding photographer who thinks he’s a 70’s porn star.
And by thinks I mean probably was.
Franco is there to
cast for his latest film take quirky wedding photos. He passes out different genre wedding dresses to most of the girls — 80s, Vegas, Biker, Shotgun, etc. — and tells the rest of them they’ll be bridesmaids.
And then we witness perhaps one of the most ridiculous group dates in Bachelor history.
Oh, wait. Nevermind.
The girls retreat to a room where they’re hooked up to IVs of champagne and proceed to give every girl watching ideas for the next six Halloweens.
Alexis, although she’s emerged from her shark costume, is doomed to a season fate of being the hilarious neighbor and has to be the shotgun wedding/pregnant bride in a dress complete with giant baby bump. She sits there slurping what looks to be straight vodka, successfully nailing the stereotype.
Taylor is a fairy-tale bride, adorable Amy a Vegas one, some girl I can’t remember is a biker bride (just throw a giant, black leather belt over a white dress in case you were wondering), and Corinne is given a white bikini and a veil because ABC has already nailed her. (Sorry, Nick.)
Corinne can’t believe her luck. Sits there sipping champagne and is all “I am definitely the hottest bride” (fluffs up her boobs and her limp, over-processed hair) and “Nick is gonna love it!”
And then cute Brittany walks in wearing a leftover costume from Franco’s 1977 smash, Adam Does Eve.
The girls gasp as Brittany carefully spins for them, making sure not to get any of the 396 coats of spray tan on their white dresses. Corinne sits there seething and gulping champagne while texting her nanny, demanding she gather leaves and sew a bikini for her RIGHT NOW.
The photo shoot begins and each bride gets a shot with Nick while the rest of them sit on lawn couches drinking Moscow Mules laced with Quaaludes that Franco has mixed for them. And it’s every bit as groan-inducing as you can imagine.
With Franco barking orders at them to fornicate with Nick for the camera, the girls start to loosen up. After Danielle gives Nick a taste of her Moscow Mule from the back of her throat, Lacey steps right in seconds later and takes a turn. “Tastes like Danielle,” she says, which begs a question I simply do not have the time to delve into right now.
Princess Taylor, under the smarmy tutelage of Franco, opens up to Nick and is like “I’m starting to like you a lot and it’s scary.” YOU MET HIM 24 HOURS AGO, I scream. All Nick seems to hear is “I want to swap spit with you” and they start making out.
After a 30 minute break for wardrobe to sew Nick’s junk into a leaf bikini, he and Brittany saunter across the yard to share an apple, which surprisingly is the least sexual photo shoot of them all. I’m guessing it’s because of what Brittany saw (or didn’t see) on their way over:
Corinne sits on the couch silently hatching a master plan. “I’m going to have to step up my game,” she tells us, wishing her nanny was hotter so she could bring her into the mix. “I feel like I’m going to have to one-up her and have him feel the more Corinne side of Corinne.”
LIKE HER FRONT SIDE.
In the pool, Corinne immediately takes her bikini top off. Nick, surprisingly, looks uncomfortable, but Franco eats it up, which makes me wonder if she’s done
photo shoots with him before. Then she’s all “let’s Janet Jackson this” and orders Nick to do a reach around and grab her bare boobs. Franco is all YES I LOVE IT as the girls all watch —or don’t watch — in shock.
Somewhere in Miami, Corinne’s nanny is fingering her rosary wondering where she went wrong.
Not shockingly, Franco chooses Corinne to be the winner of the day and she and Nick ride off to have “alone time” in the convertible Cascada which Buick immediately decides to let ABC keep.
Later that night at the evening portion of the group date which is held in a random furniture showroom that happens to have a rooftop with couches, drunk Corinne continues to be a Regina George and regales the girls with how Nick’s hands were on her bare boobs. When Nick shows up she immediately grabs him and takes him away to eat his esophagus and giggle.
The other girls huddle over vodka drinks and act like Corinne is more horrible than Nick.
At their couch —
Corinne: When I feel something I feel it with my whole heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Nick: I’ve been very impressed with you and your boobs so far. You’re very sexy and I love how you take the initiative because usually chicks don’t dig me.
C: You’re so amazing and so calming and remind me of my nanny.
They start sucking each other’s tongues and she goes back to the pit of hate and stupidly tells the other girls she feels that he’s her prince charming. When they were in the pool and his hands were splayed over her boobs it was like OMG and she feels like this is meant to be.
Some random girl: *sigh* That’s one of the most romantic things. Getting naked.
Me: Yeah, and toss Franco into the mix and it’s like a fucking fairy tale.
Arkansas Raven wonders if she needs to be more aggressive and if she’s even what he’s looking for. “Is he looking for someone who’s just willing to pop their boobs out?” (Yes.) “Is everything I’ve heard true about him?” (Yes.) “I need to know if he’s the type of man I’d want in a husband.” (If you want a womanizing dirt bag, then Yes.)
Fly away, cute Raven. Fly away.
When Raven finally gets her moment, Nick asks her about her previous boyfriend and why they broke up.
Raven: I caught him cheating.
Nick: What did you learn from that?
Raven: It made me really want a good guy. So I’m gonna just grab my bikinis and statement necklaces and head ho…
Nick: I was cheated on once. Then I went on a reality show three times.
Raven: I’m not calling you an asshole but I’m attracted to assholes and I’m attracted to you so…
In the interest of time — and my sanity — the rest of the group date goes basically like this:
- Corinne keeps stealing Nick from everyone else to push her boobs up against him and slurp his face.
- Corinne talks about herself in the third person. As in, “If you take a direct hit at Corinne she’s gonna say something.”
- The girls hate Corinne.
- We hate Corinne.
- Corinne’s nanny probably hates Corinne.
- Taylor, who graduated with a master’s degree in psychology from John’s Hopkins University yet still decided to become a contestant on this mind-fuck of a show, tells Nick she likes “how he has a thought and then just goes with it.” You know, that puzzling thing called talking. Cs get degrees!
- Corinne decides to lecture the girls, because she’s Corinne and Nick touched her boobs so she can. She goes into a never ending dialogue about how they have to all remember they’re there for the same reasons and how no matter how rude you are you have to be there for yourself.
And Nick’s penis, obviously.
The girls sit there staring at her with blank expressions but you can tell they’re all planning ways to Carrie her ass before this game is over.
Nick then gives the date rose to Corinne so in case any of you were starting to like him or forgot exactly what’s important to him or what a douche bag he is, there ya go.
Raven, FTW: If Nick likes someone who is leading with their sexuality no wonder it’s his fourth time.
One on One Date ~ Sweet Danielle the neo-natal nurse
The date card read “Our relationship is about to take off…” so Nick and Danielle are flying over the Cali coast in a helicopter which lands on a luxury yacht where they proceed to have such a boring day that it gets edited down to 45 seconds.
Danielle is so sweet and cute, but she has a couple of obvious strikes against her:
1. She thinks Nick is genuine, and
2. She has a flat chest.
Back at the mansion, Liz’s secret — you know the whole “we met at Jade & Tanner’s wedding and had drunk sex” that she won’t shut up about — is killing her, especially since everyone there is all “poor Liz hasn’t had any time with Nick yet!” Dying to tell someone she knows what Nick’s sweat tastes like, she decides to confide in Christen, a girl I didn’t spend any time talking about in last week’s recap but a girl who seems awesome and is going in my W column with sweet Danielle and Amy. (To be clear, W stands for Winners with me therefore girls I hope are Losers in this show.)
Liz and Christen lie by the pool and Liz tries to be cryptic while absolutely baiting Christen. “There’s things that are gonna come out on the show….” she starts.
Christen bites. “Do you have something in your past? I pinky swear I won’t tell anyone” she says while adjusting her mic pack for the 2.4 million viewers to hear.
Christen’s all “playa say what??”
Liz proceeds to tell Christen in detail about the hook up, and even laughs at the fact she didn’t give him her number. Christen is shocked and seems kind of pissed.
The conversation goes on and on through the whole day, three bikini changes, four hairstyle changes, and six runs to Costco by Corinne’s nanny to get more cucumbers.
Meanwhile, Danielle and Nick are having a private dinner in Balboa.
Sidenote: I LOVE BALBOA. Husband and I went there back in the early 90s and it was darling. I hate Nick for making it vile.
Danielle: I don’t know much about you. I did watch Bachelor in Paradise but that’s it…
Nick: Oh! Great! Well let me fill your head with lies about my previous two times on The Bachelor. I did have a strong connection with Andi. Boinked her in the Fantasy Suite. I didn’t win but shamed her on ATFR. Then the next year I ended up connecting with Kaitlyn and decided to show up unannounced on her season and hook up with her waaay before anyone else. *And here he pauses to have Danielle high five him. She doesn’t. Kaitlyn, too, went a different direction. Felt heartbroken but foolish and stupid and like I must not be very good in bed. But I’ve always been a big believer that if you’re in love you’ll be vulnerable. You’re always going to put yourself at risk for getting your heart broken and a variety of STDs.
Danielle opens up because Nick has made her feel safe that she feels like she can let him in.
“Five and a half years ago I was engaged but he OD’d and I found him,” she says. To his credit, Nick grabs her hand and silently lets her continue. She tells him that all her relationships have come to an end shortly after she’s told them this which is code for if you don’t give me the date rose you’re even more of an asshole than I’ve been told.
He says some very sweet things and gives her the rose.
Nick: I saw a woman with incredible strength that I would want in a partner. There’s not a doubt she has so many of the qualities I’m looking for in a wife. Except for boobs I can motorboat.
Group Date Two ~ “We Need to Talk…”
Girls in various flowy tops, shorty shorts and wedges get in the limo and toast tumblers of amber liquor before meeting up with Nick on the streets of Hollywood where they go to the Museum of Broken Relationships, a place full of relics and momentos of all types of relationships that have ended.
Nick tells them he’s donated a relic of a broken relationship of his past. My crew pauses the TV to shout out guesses:
FANTASY SUITE CONDOM!
PRE FANTASY SUITE CONDOM!
SEAN’S BALL SACK!
Surprisingly, it’s none of those things. It’s Kaitlyn’s almost-engagement ring and a dried up rose.
The group walks into performance art of a couple yelling and breaking up and they all do a pretty good job of acting like they believe it’s real. Then a lady tells them they’ll be taking part in a game of “The Art of the Breakup” where they’ll have to break up LIVE with Nick, because you know, it’s fun to kick a horse when he’s dead.
Nick is uncomfortable around Liz and has been kind of avoiding her all day which brings her to tears. She’s bothered that he hasn’t even acknowledged THE DRUNK SEX so she can move forward, because clearly it’s been bothering her for months.
Remember how I said the wedding dress photo shoot was a dumb date? Scratch that. This one wins.
The girls all go up one by one to make up a stupid story and fake a break up with Nick, which if you ask me is just a preview of the inevitable for basically all of them. The only one worth mentioning is kooky Josephine, who hauls off and slaps him across the face for shits and giggles.
Then it’s Liz’s turn and she’s got notes.
“When we met in a hotel lobby…” she begins, and Nick looks pleadingly at Josephine, begging her with his eyes to come back up and slap him again.
Liz reads the entire story of her account of the fateful night of Jade & Tanner’s wedding hook-up.
Christen can’t believe Liz is doing this. Now. In public.
Liz, to Nick: I know that we had a lot of fun but I’ve been hurt and I wasn’t ready to let you fully in.
Thing 1: Um, pretty sure you let him in. Multiple times.
Me: Yeah, but maybe not fully.
Liz says she wishes he would’ve fought for her and that this is “the end of a chapter for us, but I hope a new beginning for you.”
All the girls look around like WTF was that? Nick included. None of them know if it’s a story or if its real. Then Liz starts laughing. “We can be done! hahaha!! It’s okay!!” They all laugh uncomfortably and Nick is like “who wants me to grab their boobs? Anyone??”
Later, Nick tells us he’s pissed that she didn’t give him the same consideration he’s giving her — you know, keeping their dirty secret from the other girls he’s trying to build trust with — and is worried how it will look if other women think he’s keeping something from them. YA THINK??
At the evening booze-fest, Nick, wearing a camo shirt that looks just like one I have in blue, sits down with Christen who immediately throws Liz under the bus and tells Nick she knows.
Nick: What’s she told you?
Christen: You guys’s history.
Nick: If you please, ma’am, would you tell me what she told you?
Christen: You guys spent some time togeth— oh, what the hell, you had sex. And I heard all about every dirty detail. By the way, I know a guy who can fix that thing on your—
Nick cuts her off to tell her his version and then marches out to grab Liz.
Nick: Are you just here to be on TV? You had every opportunity over the past months to connect with me and didn’t.
Liz: But you were on Bachelor in Paradise for like a month, and besides, I don’t like to have phone conversations or really even know how.
Nick: The more I talk to you the less you make sense.
Liz: I wanted to cross paths again to see if there was a connection!
Nick: Nope. I’m already forming connections with some of the other girls, and their boobs, and it’s best if we say goodbye.
Lesson, girls: After casual wedding sex always give the guy your number.
Meanwhile, the girls are wondering where the hell Nick and Liz have been for so long and can tell Christen knows but she’s not saying anything. Nick comes back in — without Liz — and comes clean.
“I met Liz at Jade & Tanner’s wedding and we had sex.”
The girls act like that’s shocking which means they clearly have never seen a show with Nick on it.
Next week we’ll get to see who goes home during the rose ceremony and get the answer to Vanessa’s million dollar question — “Are you looking for a wife or just someone to fuck around with?”
*Bonus footage at the credits*
Alexis, proud of her fake boobs’s one-year birthday, brings out cupcakes to share with Nick. They sing to her boobs, blow out the candles, and each take a bite, which Nick spits out and says, “I hope yours don’t taste like this” or something equally disgusting. Alexis chirps, clicks, and laughs, and reminds him that everything about her tastes like Mackerel.
For more recaps of this Vile season and many others, just click HERE!
And, as always, thank you thank you for sharing the post with your
fellow Bachelor-lovin’ friends. We of low self-respect gotta stick together!