You guys, it’s been so long since I’ve written anything other than a recap on the blog that I almost feel the need to reintroduce myself. But I can’t think of anything to say. Seriously, writer’s block has hit me hard the past six—eight?—weeks. And by writer’s block I mean disinterest, distraction, and disillusionment. Throw […]

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  • Stacey Hatton - Girl…I feel your pain! Just about tapped out myself. You’ll get your mojo when life gets exciting again. It WILL happen, and maybe then you’ll want to write. xoxoReplyCancel

On the wings of loooooove only the two of us together flying highhhh…. Flying high upon the wings of looove If you don’t know that song from 1982 you are dead to me. Nah, I’ll forgive you, but seriously, grab a glass of Gallo, light some candles, and take a few minutes out of your hectic life and […]

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  • Judy George - So sad! Can’t believe you’re deserting us for something I’ve never heard of before – Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Don’t you have a DVR so you can record more than one thing at a time? And don’t you know we expect you to give up life as you know it to keep us – your “hangingonyoureverywordandneedtobevalidatedfriends” informed? Oh – you don’t? And you don’t care?…… Oh, OK. Well, on another note, I’m so happy you noticed that Wings and Ben didn’t have seat belts on – I thought – whoa – really? And then I wondered – maybe they’re riding in a car with a fan blowing their hair and a green screen of traffic and scenery behind them!
    But I have to say – I think Ben is genuinely attracted to Jubilee – and also that after I got over my disgust of her sulking and “he won’t pick me” crap, and watched her interact with him and heard that her entire family died in Haiti (I presume it was in Haiti) and she was the only one left – there is a horrible malady called “survivor guilt”. My brother lived with it after his return from WWII where he watched his buddies die right and left in front of him and he came home… happens…and it might explain some of her behavior. It felt as though Ben truly listened and “heard” (because there is a difference) and also deeply appreciated the massage while Olivia was…..well, being Olivia (gag me with a spoon)! Amanda was about the only other one who offered sympathy.
    Amber covered her butt pretty well in the bathroom with Ben and Jubilee – but I think Ben got the real message and agree that if Amber didn’t already have a rose, it would have been goodbye.
    Watched Bachelor Nation afterwards and really thought Lace did a standup job of explaining what happened – #1 she drank too much and has cut back on that and is working on liking herself – she really held her own with the participants on there expecially the “comedians” (who weren’t very funny!) Why don’t you give your sweet and on the ball daughter the chance to recap Bachelor? Will be watching for whenever you can fit us in, lol!ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - Naturally I had to watch til 2:18 to see that girl fawning over Jeffery Osborne. GREAT song, BTW. And another great recap. I have ugly feet too so I think I’m pulling for Olivia. And I think you have a FREAKING VALID POINT with the white boy/black girl thing. That would raise red flags all over the world. I’ll bet the ratings would rise.

    Great to hear about your new gig!!!ReplyCancel

  • Karen - Oh noooooo. You do not realize how sad this makes me…no recaps! You simply are the best. But congrats on the new writing gig, no doubt you will be great. Another great recap. I be sure to check back for fantasy suite week…you know in case you found some time.

    So I guess I should try Crazy Ex Girlfriend?…she did win a GGlobe.ReplyCancel

  • Jackie Owen - Congrats on your new gig! We will miss you…all 80 of us!! They used On The Wings of Love for Jake’s season cause you know he was a pilot!! LOL!!!ReplyCancel

  • Bev Bell Draughon - EW needs to have you do the Bachelor recaps too….You are crazy funny and I enjoy everything you write my friend…good luck…ReplyCancel

  • Crystal 'Jiskra' Arellano - SO funny! Love reading these. You are hillarious!ReplyCancel

Buckle up, my friends, and keep your hands, feet, and tacky statement necklaces inside the vehicle. With week one out of the way and the boring fantastical “meet and greets” taken care of, it’s finally time for the backstabbing to begin and the tears to start to flow like the free chardonnay that’s responsible for (much of) […]

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  • Amy - Amazing recap, as always! The pic of the red flags had me laughing out loud.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Thanks! Yeah, the red flag pic is one I keep on hand for all my Bachelor recaps because it’s one that I always find the need to use. You’ll see it again, I can assure you, but I guarantee Ben won’t see them flying right in front of his face. 😛ReplyCancel

  • Snarkfest - “Ben: Caila, will you accept my rose? And by rose I, of course, mean penis.”

    Yogurt on monitor. Again.

    Ben takes mama-Amanda into a side, candled room, to let her know he’s been thinking of her girls and he wants them to make them some barrettes together

    Of course he does. I’d be shocked if he DIDN’T.

    I’ve missed this so much. Welcome back to recap-world.ReplyCancel

Here’s a story… Of a deranged blogger… Who continued to subject herself to trite… The show in question… Was called The Bachelor… And writing recaps took her all fucking night. But still, because she was apparently into SELF-TORTURE—and also because she had a handful of the very nicest recap-reading fans in the world— she did it over […]

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  • NinaN - Thank you once again, for taking one for the team. I didn’t make it through all of Katelyn’s season so I didn’t really get to “know” Ben. But one look at his picture yesterday put me to sleep. This guy seems like the snooziest of snooze fests. I will be happily reading your re-caps though!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Oh, he’s not very exciting, of that there’s no question, but I really liked him during Kaitlyn’s season. He’s one of the rare ones who actually seem to be doing it to find love. (And by rare I mean delusional.) Of course, I’ve thought that before and then give the guy 26 women and he turns into … well, a normal man. But I’ve got my fingers crossed for Ben. He seems like a genuinely nice guy (which always makes me curious as to how/why he’s still single) and one that actually may not cross over into the man-whore category. (My 6 weeks into the future self is already shaking her head at me and chuckling.)
      Thanks — as always — for reading! I’ve gotcha covered! 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Judy George - Spot on as usual! Thank God for your recaps!ReplyCancel

  • Beth Lancaster Geurink - Love it, Thanks for adding to the fun!ReplyCancel

  • Mindy - I dream of a day when our son is old enough to join me in watching and making snarky comments! (Props to Thing 1) Until then, your recap allows me enough information to share in the laughs at lunch conversations. Thanks for the recap, nick names, and smart-alec comments that I may or may not repeat.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - You’re welcome! Back atcha for reading, laughing and sharing! 🙂 And yes, when my girls got old enough to be able to watch this fantastically wretched show with me I was elated! And when they both started flinging the zingers out and I understood that they got it — might have been one of my proudest days as a parent.
      A few years ago I wrote this piece about it. You might enjoy it!ReplyCancel

  • Amy - I love, love, love your recaps and am so glad you’re back this season!ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Thank you!! This season looks like it’s going to be (in the words of Chris Harrison) DRAMATIC and COMPELLING. So, so many tears, which makes recapping it so, so much fun.ReplyCancel

  • Donna Smith - OMG, hilarious. Thanks for posting!ReplyCancel

  • Mel - Sending love from frigid MN! I have been reading your recaps since Kaitlyn’s season, and dare I say, you have Reality Steve beat! Love, love, love this..,totally SPOT ON. Can’t wait to read your recap from tonight’s episode. -A fellow MN lakes-country girlReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Thank you!! Wow, what a nice compliment! Feel free to share the love! 😉 And yes, frigid it right. Holy cow. Today when my eyeballs felt like they were burning out of my skull and my nose almost fell off just from walking into Costco I was reminded why I hate MN so much in January and February. Plus, the gorgeous fall and mild beginning of winter made this brutal cold even more cruel, didn’t it? Stay warm! 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Teri Biebel - I can’t get past this sentence: “Tiara, a super cute chicken enthusiast who likes to rub her face all over her cocks.”

    Still reading. Had to comment on that.ReplyCancel

  • Teri Biebel - “Laura, the token ginger, tells Ben all her friends call her “Red Velvet.” And by “friends” she means customers.”
    Choking on my grapes right now, thanks.ReplyCancel

It’s a bold statement, I know, but I’ll stand behind it until my last breath. Which will probably be due to overstuffing my face with this toffee. The best part, besides the fact that it’s the world’s best toffee, is that it’s so ridiculously easy. Not easy like that Sigma Nu hoped I was in 1987 […]

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  • NinaN - Love this stuff! I always have it with almonds though. Pecans would be yummy too.ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Almonds are everything. I’ve never thought to try this with almonds. And the funny thing is I’m not a huge pecan fan, but in this toffee I love them. Guess I’ll be making another batch…ReplyCancel

      • NinaN - Yes! Try it! And sprinkle some on top too!ReplyCancel

  • Sue K - What happens during Step 8? You skipped that one. I assume you are away mixing a cocktail ??ReplyCancel

    • Michelle - Ah haha! Nice catch! And no cocktails were responsible (unfortunately), just a brain that’s fried from trying to juggle the entirety of Christmas! But now that you brought it up…

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