Finding out your mom wrote about sex and other Monday news.
I’m in an uncharacteristically good mood today.
Sure, it’s March 25 and still a freakin’ Arctic tundra outside, I have eleventy thousand things to do today and it’s MONDAY (which makes my mood all the more unusual and surprising), but I am.
Does the fact that I had a lovely weekend and am thisclose to feeling some warmth on my body have something to do with it? Definitely. But that’s not it. This is.
I’m going to be part of another book!! I know. Shut The Front Door and give mama a Xanax.
Because, again, for the girl whose big excitement a year ago was counting down the days until The Bachelorette started, this is pretty damn unbelievable (and okay, sure, I’m still totally counting the days until The Bachelorette starts, but it’s like #8 instead of the typical #2 on my list of exciting things).
Seriously, who’s making it rain on me lately, ’cause I’d like to mix them a cocktail and serve it to them naked.
The new book, pictured above, is book #4 in the wildly popular “Life Well Blogged” series, which are anthologies that consist of about 35 or so blog posts from various – and hilarious – bloggers from all over the world (several of whom I’ve already been fortunate enough to keep company with in “I Just Want To Pee Alone”). Because, honestly, who has time to sift through the hundreds of funny blogs out there?
Obviously, I’m thrilled to have a post included in the newest book and be sharing the pages with some seriously funny writers, but what I’m most honored about is that a portion of the proceeds from the “Life Well Blogged” books go to charity. This newest one will support Autism Speaks, and the e-version will be released on Amazon on April 2nd, which coincidentally is World Autism Awareness Day! The e-books are only $2.99, which is small beans to pay for pee yourself laughs and a great cause. If you prefer your books with paper, no worries. The soft-cover edition will soon follow, and I bet you know someone who’ll keep you posted and give you handy links to make your purchase painless when the time comes.
All the “Life Well Blogged” books are terrific quick and funny reads, and absolutely perfect for reading on the toilet.
Oh, please. You know that’s the first place you’d read it.
Speaking of reading and toilets, I have a story for you…
In all the excitement over the other book being released and all the bestselling rankings and reviews, I can’t believe I forgot to ever tell you guys about my actual essay in the book, and more importantly the Things’s reaction when I told them about it.
I’m gonna be bold and assume that many of you have already read it, but since I still have family members that have not that’s a pretty big assumption. So let me fill you in.
My essay in “I Just Want To Pee Alone” is about the ups and downs of post-baby sex (pun intended) and the stages your sex life (and lack thereof) goes through from infancy to the teen years, all put together in a handy dandy little playlist. A soundtrack, if you will, to the dramedy that is your sex life.
Something important for you to know is that one of the stipulations we had when submitting our essays was to write about something that we’d never published on our blog before. Since both the Things and a few of Thing 1’s friends read my blog regularly, I’m unfortunately pretty limited in what I can write about here on this little blog. You understand. They don’t, but I know you do. So this assignment became the perfect situation to write about things I wish I could say (even right now) but cannot because, you guessed it, they’re reading. (What up, girls. I’m about to embarrass you. Again.)
When my essay was accepted I was ecstatic. And then felt like I was going to vomit. If you’ve read it, you might guess why. There may or may not be a few key phrases in there that I suddenly realized thousands of people would be reading. Sh*t just became real. Real fast. And ohgoodgod what about the Things? They’d for sure want to read it. After a few sleepless nights, Husband reminded me that 11 and 17 year old girls were not the audience for this book – overwhelmed and exhausted and frazzled moms were – and then I felt so much better, because I knew with certainty that the overwhelmed and exhausted and frazzled moms would get it (horseback riding references and all) and (hopefully) laugh about it.
But still. I had to tell the Things about the book. And here’s how it went down.
Scene: interior. Kitchen. Things sitting at island counter eating dinner. Husband and I standing and eating on opposite side, as is usual.
Me: So I have some exciting news.
Thing 2: You’re pregnant?
Me: GOOD GOD CHILD! BITE YOUR TONGUE AND SCRUB YOUR BRAIN! No. I’m not pregnant. I wrote an essay that is going to be published in a real book!
Things (with appropriate excitement): Whoo! Hooray! Yaaaay!!!……What did you write??
Me: Weeeeelllll…I can’t really say. It’s maybe a bit inappropriate for you.
Thing 1 (hands in air thinking it’s just full of F-bombs probably): Whoop! But I can totally read it, right??
Me: Weeellllll….I’m not really sure you’ll want to. So remember when the Dunphy kids walked in on Claire and Phil when they wer…..
Things immediately begin screaming. As in SCREAMING.
Things immediately begin screaming. As in SCREAMING.
Husband (cutting me off): It’s about parents having sex.
Boom. Justlikethat, the screaming Things DROP to the floor.
In an instant, Thing 2 has wedged herself inside the barstool legs with hands over her ears, making the sound only zebras make at the very instant the cheetah pounces, and Thing 1 is stroking her hair yelling/chanting, “Go to your happy place! Go to your happy place!”
Me: No!No!No! It’s not about us (pointing to me and Husband)….It’s about parents having sex in general!! It’s not a personal story…
Thing 1: Please! Please for the love of god just stop talking!!
And then Husband had to pry Thing 2 out of the barstool. And they ran upstairs and didn’t make eye contact with us for about three days. Seriously, when my first copy of the book arrived and I was like, dancing around holding it up in the air, they both gave me the “pal” hug/back pat and scurried off, as if looking at or touching the book would burn their very souls.
People keep asking me if Thing 1 has read it.
Judging by the fact that she has resumed eye contact and wants to hug me goodnight, I’m thinking it’s safe to say No.
But you know who has (or at least has her own copy so I’m gonna keep telling myself she’s actually read it)??
She’s like blogging equivalent to Sandra Bullock. Or Oprah. Or Clooney. Seriously, she’s not only a side-splitting hilarious writer, she’s a pretty amazing human being too.
So if you still haven’t read it (and are not one of my kids), what are you waiting for??
And if you have, let me know what you thought! But remember, be cryptic, my kids are reading.
You make us laugh! This is really funny! The whole conversation at the dinner table was LAUGH OUT LOUD hilarious!-The Dose Girls
Happy the story could make you laugh, since it obviously scarred my children for life…
🙂
I’m so happy my girls are too young to care. I have no idea how the subject will be approached when they get older…
Tracy @ Momaical
The subject of sex or the subject of you writing about it?? If it’s the former, give me a call. I’m a pro at that “talk” by now. Which now that I’m thinking about would make excellent blog posts. Girls? You might want to get a disguise.
I so need to read your book!
You do!! Although, you’re young enough that the stories might scare you too badly… 😉
Love the dinner table conversation! I am sure he will be reading at some point.
She might. But I’m betting on it being awhile. She likes me too much to be disgusted by me I think.
hahaha, I love this post. I would probably have the same reaction if my parents mentioned sex to me and I’m almost 30.
I’m reading the book, haven’t quite made it to your chapter, but each time I start a new one I keep hoping it’s yours! Soon, I’m sure 🙂
Page 94. Not that I have it bookmarked…tattooed on my ankle…engraved on a plate…
Thanks for reading! Let me (&/or Amazon) know what you think! 🙂
You already know how my oldest handled it. “I don’t eat food off the floor……..anymore!” She is insisting that I write my OWN book and all it “15 does NOT eat food off the floor, and other lies I’ve told about my kids”.
I’m all over that.
I walked in on my parents a few times, but neither of them ever wrote about doing the deed in a best-selling book. Thankfully!
Congratulations on Life Well Blogged. You better dust off a whole shelf for all of your publications!
[…] episode where the Dunphy kids walked in on Claire and Phil in the bedroom, but that, too, became a helpful teaching tool. See? Watching prime-time TV with your children can be […]