The Bachelor Recap: Thinning out the crop

I have to begin this recap with a confession:
I never watched last week’s episode.

I know.
It’s shameful and shocking.
And I fully intended to, I did. But the week just seemed to get away from me.
And by “the week seemed to get away from me” I mean after hearing all about it, I decided to do something more worthwhile with my time and cleaned my cat’s ears instead.

But it’s okay, I was well prepared for tonight’s show. Last Monday night, when I was, um, shall we say, incapacitated, watching The Bachelor was the last thing on my mind. At about 11:00 p.m. I got an email from my college daughter who knew I’d had to miss it, and guess what, you guys? She’d written up an entire recap, exactly like I write them.
It was hilarious and perfect.
Did the fact that she’d spent her entire night watching The Bachelor and writing a play-by-play recap instead of doing her very important college-y homework make me irritated about how she’s spending the time I’m paying big money for?
Don’t be absurd.
I couldn’t have been prouder of her.

One of the best parts of her recap was the reactions she included from her friends—and more specifically, from her male friends who’ve never watched this disaster before. I made her promise that this week she’d send me some of their insightful observations, and so in today’s recap you’ll see some interjections from the college boys that might add a little bit of color—as well as the 18-year-old male perspective—to the show.
It might make you worried for the future of our country.
But since you’re spending your Monday nights watching this show and a portion of your Tuesdays reading this crap, I doubt it.

Save a horse, ride a cowboy, and let’s go.

 

*RECAPPER’S NOTE*
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I’m too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome.

Chris loves Britt.
The end.

But actually.
I’m going to go out on a limb with the shocking prediction that the first girl who let him touch her princess parts took a “nap” with him will end up buying the farm.
(So to speak.)

But let’s go back to that cold, tile floor, and to poor, tragic Kelsey, who is in the middle of the panic attack we left her in last week.

I have to admit, she’s doing a fairly authentic job of dying. The EMT is concerned, as are the college boys, who think they should “smelling salt the bitch.”
Harsh, but at least they’re more concerned than the girls in the other room, who can hear her thrashing about and gasping for air, but who couldn’t look more bored.
They don’t have time for her anymore.
“Oh, let her die, just make sure my glass stays full of Chardonnay,” they say as they examine their fingernail polish for chips.

“Bitch be crazy,” Kaitlyn really says.
Now sitting upright, Kelsey cackles wickedly through her oxygen mask, asks to see Chris and tells the EMT that she’s going to get a rose tonight “for sure.”
Bitch may be crazy, but bitch be smart.

After Chris cures Kelsey with a kiss, she saunters back into the room and joins the group, regaling them with the amazing story of her panic attack.
(Not to be confused with the amazing story of her husband’s death, obvs.)

Totally unrelated: Cruise ship Carly looks exactly like Jane Krakowski, and I’m disappointed in myself for just now seeing it.

Damn, it’s the year of the doppelgänger, isn’t it?

Please take another few moments to appreciate the 15 minutes it just took me to make those photos.
I’m ridiculously proud of them.
Which gives you great insight into the level of excitement of my day so far.

Rose Ceremony:

While Chris is handing out roses at his usual excruciatingly slow speed, The Virgin Kardashian is worried.
She’s sobbing and lamenting the fact that she doesn’t have a sad story.
The college boys: You do have a sad story! You’re a virgin!!
Ima forget I heard that.

Roses to everyone except Samantha-Who and Overalls Mackenzie.
My husband cannot believe the farmer would keep cuckoo Kelsey and dump Samantha’s boobs Samantha.
It’s the most vocal I’ve heard him in weeks.

Cruise ship calls Kelsey a “black widow,” which insinuates that she killed Sanderson Poe and ate him.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.

With NO CHRIS HARRISON in sight (WTF, ABC?) we see our group packing up and boarding a plane, which is surely—finally—taking them to a destination worthy of the “Places I want to go to because of The Bachelor” Pinterest board I made a couple of years ago.
Tahiti? Croatia? Indonesia?

Nope.
Deadwood, South Dakota.

“Hold on! Let me add it to my board,” I say, and then laugh for 38 minutes.
Seriously, there’s Deadwood, and then there’s ANY PLACE OTHER THAN DEADWOOD. 

Chris, of course, tells us that Deadwood is “the perfect place to fall in love.”
Or get shot in the back, I imagine.

Honestly, so far they’ve spent this season moving from one armpit to another.

And before any of you who live in Santa Fe, NM or the dried up ghost town of Deadwood, SD, get your panties in a bunch — relax.
Lovely places, both of them (and by “both of them” I mean Santa Fe), but c’mon, when this is where they’ve gone in years past, Deadwood is an insult.

 

As if things couldn’t get any worse, the limo (which I’m imagining they had to truck in to Deadwood) drops the ladies off at their hotel.

I’m sorry, maybe you didn’t catch that.

THEY’RE STAYING AT A FREAKING HOLIDAY INN
(I tried to make that as shout-y as I yelled it last night, but you’ll have to use your imagination.)

Thank God there’s a gaming hall, or it’d have really been embarrassing.

Kelsey is brimming with excitement as she tells us how she’s sure she’ll be getting the one on one, what with the emotional connection she and Chris made through the oxygen mask.

Becca gets the one on one.
Kelsey’s face:

 

One on one date with Becca:

The farmer leads the lovely Becca to some lovely horses, and they have a lovely day riding around some lovely fields and we get some aerial views of just how lovely South Dakota is.
*This season of The Bachelor brought to you by the tourism departments of states that we tend to forget are part of the United States.

Later that evening, Becca and Chris are toasting up some kabobs over a gas bonfire on some IKEA outdoor couches and talking about all the feelings, which includes Becca making fun of Chris’s laugh and their visions for their futures.

Chris: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Becca: In not-Arlington, Iowa. Oh, wait, did I say that out loud?
They both discover they both want lots of kids; between four and six.
The college boys: Someone’s got to tend the farm. It is free labor.
They’ve got a point.

In awkwardly edited in sound-bites, we’re reminded—again—that Becca is a virgin.
My husband—again—wonders what her definition of “virgin” is.
She tells us that Chris is the first guy she’s talked about all the feelings with in a long time, and is happy that she can communicate with him.
Chris nods.
And then gives her the rose and a kiss like the one my junior prom date gave me.

I actually love Becca. She’s the most real girl I’ve seen on this show in years. My fingers are crossed she’ll get kicked off soon, because I don’t want her to end up with asshat Chris, or even to be the next Bachelorette. She seems to have way too much self-respect—and virginity—for that job.

Back at the Holiday Inn, the girls are day-drinking the complimentary boxed wine and cruise ship Carly is talking smack about Kelsey and thinks it’s time to tell her to her face, which Whitney does, while cruise ship sits huddled up on the end of the sofa hiding behind her glass of Pinot Grigio.
Whitney-and-her-newfound-balls calls Kelsey out for being a fake and a phony and a grade-A bitch.
I mean, in so many words.
Kelsey defends herself through her crocodile tears and spouts a bunch of insanity that I find too confusing to follow.
To the camera, however, she grins maniacally and tells us that she “came here to win it” and that she’s “blessed with eloquence and articulation.”
Oh, and also, she “uses big words because [she’s] smart.”
Here’s some big words for you, you two-faced lunatic: deceptive, deranged, disingenuous, certifiable.
Try those on for size.

The group date card arrives, which means that the two whose names are not on it will have to go on the dreaded two-on-one date.
Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan hear their names read, but Megan doesn’t get why everyone’s so relieved.
She’s still waiting to go to the beach.

The Virgin Kardashian doesn’t care that she’s on the dreaded two-on-one, because she knows she can kick Kelsey’s ass!
Kelsey cackles like the wicked witch of the west and assures us she’ll end up with the rose.
The college boys speculate there’ll be a virgin sacrifice in the desert, and hope both of them fall off a cliff.

Group date – “Let’s make sweet music together”

The group meets up with the farmer at a dive bar in Deadwood and discovers their task for the day is to drink beers and write him a country song (which they’ll perform later on a 5×8 wooden stage in a cement courtyard while accompanied by Stinky Pete the Prospector and his banjo).
The college boys think they’ll all be shit at this task because none of them own pickup trucks or dead dogs.
ABC also thinks they’ll be shit at this, so they bring in Big and Rich to ogle at the girls help them with their lyrics.

This date is so ridiculous I’m not going to even dignify it with full, fragmented notes.
Instead, it’s time once again for “three words.”
Humor me here.
Here we go.

Carly is excited.
Because cruise-ship singer.
Megan wearing headband.
Better than sombrero.
Jade can’t write.
Jade feels stupid.
Big helps Jade.
Big wants Jade.
Big’s a douche.
Chris loves Britt.
Eats her face.
Girls look on.
Girls feel inferior.
Girls are inferior.
Time for show.
Chris goes first.
Chris’s song sucks.
Megan surprisingly good.
Whitney/Kaitlyn blow.
Britt can’t sing.
But looks hot.
All it takes.
Jade sucks balls.
In Big’s dreams.
Carly sings sweetly.
Looks into eyes.
Chris looks back.
Thinking of Britt.

Later, after Big unsuccessfully tries to slip Jade his room key (he doesn’t, but you know he wanted to), the group gathers in the back of some bar that you can tell smells like piss and stale Marlboros and the girls begin their parade of pulling Chris aside to tell him how REAL this is getting for them.
It’s all just a colossal waste of time, because Chris pulls Britt outside and they dash across the street to a venue where GUESS WHO’S IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONCERT?

With the entire population of Deadwood watching (actually, I’m pretty sure it’s the entire population of the state of South Dakota), Big and Rich pull Chris and Britt up on stage where Chris presents her with the coveted date rose, kisses her NOT AT ALL like I got kissed at my junior prom (or senior prom…or until I was practically engaged) and the crowd goes bananas.
They dance on stage to “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” and it’s actually pretty cute, despite Big’s douchy hat and glasses, and Chris’s douchiness in general.

Meanwhile, the other girls are left sitting for over an hour on the smelly, stained sofas, pondering the non-existence of the rose, and the non-existence of Britt and Chris.
When Chris and Britt come in, winded from all the dancing and riding high on adrenaline and smelling slightly of sex even though they’ve remained fully clothed, the other girls are fifty shades of PISSED.
Chris tells them, “Um, as you can see, I gave Britt a rose, but it doesn’t take anything away from what we have. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m out of here while you all scratch her eyes out.”
Which they basically do, while telling us how pretty Britt is and how they’re all feeling insecure now.
Aaaand, ABC producers’ mission accomplished.

Two on one date: “Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.”
[Spoiler alert: untrue]

In the interest of time, let’s nutshell this date, shall we?
Kelsey and The Virgin are out of their minds excited to kick each other off.
They take a helicopter to The Badlands, which is basically a dried up, crackled, ugly slab of dirt.

Again, it’s NOT THIS:

Once there, the girls take turns resting (in about 50 mph winds) on a random canopied bed surrounded by yellow flags sticking out of the dirt.
Because the flags made it totally prettier.

The Virgin, who’s decided to go with the full on Jasmine look for this date, tells Chris that Kelsey is a fraud and that everyone hates her.
Chris immediately blabs everything The Virgin told him to Kelsey.
Dude. VIOLATION.

Kelsey is all kinds of pissed at this news and goes back to lay on the canopy bed with Jasmine the Virgin and attempts to kill her with her steely glare and hexing vibes.
The terrified Virgin gulps her wine and runs to Chris, where she attempts to sob through her tarantula eyelashes and tells him she cannot beLIEVE he told Kelsey what she told him.
So Chris dumps the bitch.
Both of them.
And then gets in the helicopter BY HIMSELF and leaves the two of them to fight it out in the middle of The Badlands.
Where I like to imagine they still are.

When the ABC intern comes and grabs The Virgin’s suitcase instead of the hated Kelsey’s from the Holiday Inn suite, the other girls look like someone has just told them they can no longer wear hair extensions or statement necklaces.
But a few minutes later, when Kelsey’s suitcases also get the boot?

 

The end.
But seriously, that’s the end.

Next week on the TWO DAY event (you guys, I might not survive) –
THE BACHELOR MOVES TO TUPELO, MISSISSIPPI.
Nah, not really.
It’s ARLINGTON, IOWA.
Face palm.

For previous recaps, click HERE, and if you enjoy what you read, I’d appreciate you hitting the Facebook ‘like’ button and sharing the link! 
Comment below [SPOILER FREE ZONE] and let’s get talkin’.

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